When it comes to dating these days, it seems like people are more concerned with checking off their boxes than checking their connection. As a certified lover girl, this ish is exhausting.
Real quick, let’s go over some of the off the wall things “men” have said to me in the past 3 years.
You’re too deep.
You kind of just have to take what you can get from me.
You’re too broken.
You need to seek serious help.
Nobody’s ever going to read those long messages you send.
You could have a good life with me if you would just chill. (This guy made a little 90k a year)
Don’t feel sad for me, I’m laughing as I reflect on these things!
Oh and let’s not forget that one time this one guy that I practically fell in love with, informed me that he’d slid back to his baby moms. He was honestly such a douchebag. But I was grateful for his honesty or whatever. And look at me kid free without step kids at 25 years old. Yeah, I’m good.
I will never let what another man did to me hold me back from finding my person because I believe in soulmates. Throughout dating though, I’ve learned that love is a choice and you choose your soulmate by getting to know them. Getting to know someone is a lot easier said than done because of how much effort it requires. I feel like no one wants to talk about the fact that some connections need more effort than others. Meeting and getting to know someone isn’t always going to be like some scene out of a movie. You have to put forth effort sometimes.
You have to discern whether the effort is feeling forced or if you’re actually enjoying yourself. I find that when you are actually enjoying the person that you’re dating, putting forth effort just comes natural. The enjoyment that should come along with dating is what makes the process of getting to know someone, feel a little less intimidating and forced.
Get to know someone at their core, flaws and all by asking questions and spending time together. You’re going to find some flaws because we are all deeply flawed in some way. But then you make a decision and ask yourself:
Can I commit to this ENTIRE person long term? Emphasis on entire.
Lessons I’ve learned in dating
Don’t fall for potential. If it’s one thing I have fully grasped by now, it’s to listen closely to what men say during those first conversations. Get your head out of the clouds and be for real with yourself, sister. If he says he’s not looking for something serious, he’s not and your pressure won’t change that, ok?
Just because he’s a good guy that doesn’t mean you’re compatible. While having basic manners, respect and just being a gentlemen overall are all very important qualities, so is compatibility. I want my man to ultimately feel like he’s my best friend too.
Don’t take preferences personal and don’t be afraid to have your own, no matter how ridiculous they sound. For example, if someone simply doesn’t enjoy eating apples, they’re not going to waste their money to buy apples. They’re going to get a different type of fruit and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean that I’m not going to continue to buy my cold, crisp granny smith apples. Their preferences do not define your worth.
Affirmations and journal prompt for the week
My body houses my spirit, my spirit is a gold mine.
There is solace in my solitude.
I am enough.
I have always been enough.
I will always be enough.
I am a vessel of love.
Check your heart, has your dating experience changed your heart? Has it changed your enthusiasm and openness in finding love? Is it your current dating experience or are you carrying old baggage into your new relationships? Check your heart this week.
Dating has been underwhelming and disappointing to say the least. But, I am deserving of the kind of love that I dream of and I’ll never stop searching for it. I used to feel undeserving because I’m not where I want to be in my career yet but that doesn’t define who I am at all.
My generation is obsessed with hustle culture, self care, and mental health, and while I love that for us, it’s impacting the way that we date. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being selfish with your time by focusing on yourself and your career but I’m sorry, those things have nothing to do with your capacity to love. I’ve come across a handful of men who don’t want to date seriously until they’re financially stable and I mean, there is nothing wrong with that (preference) but it’s become so common and it’s weird to me. It’s like we forgot about what it means to fall in real, real love.
Don’t get me wrong I’ve learned the hard lesson that love isn’t the only thing needed to keep a relationship afloat. But the key phrase is “keep afloat”. Love should always be the foundation and all of the other material ish keeps the relationship afloat.
Lately it feels like people would rather focus on the material first.
But I don’t want to make this too long because I could honestly write forever. I’ll definitely be making another post about my thoughts on love.
I was visiting my family in New York this past week so I apologize for the delay in this newsletter! I have so many ideas for this Substack that I’m honestly getting overwhelmed so I’m just trying to take my time and pace myself. But as promised, you all will see me in your inboxes once a week, so until then!
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What I read on Substack this week:
(photos are linked to the posts)
An unfinished poem that I’ll give some context to when it’s finished and I’m ready:
in my head is a dangerous place to be you see it’s a dark battlefield in here i mean you’re ducking and dodging and at every corner you’re stopping to reload your machinery machinery, yes in my head there is machinery why? because there have been infiltrators in the past and i just cant risk that so i’d rather not and I plead the fifth then i’m guilty, i’m sorry but I can’t let you in it’s not safe. i’m sending bullets straight through those dreams you’re trying to place in my head it’s quite the bloody mess in here wouldn’t want you to slip and fall.
-ciarajd
I agree with your sentiments on the dating scene in this day and age, it really does suck 😭. Yet I’m optimistic that things will get better! 💗
*Poetry snaps* Enjoyed this post!