is an absence really an absence if no one knows that you’re gone?

i’m back and i’m done licking my wounds…

A few years ago I had a self help blog named Gems by Ciara Jewel. At the time I called it a, “self discovery” blog. This was right before self help and mental health started to become trendy. Most of what I posted were free writes that came straight from the heart. Eventually I wanted to grow my blog and turn into a real brand and that birthed so many things. So many different ideas came from Gems by Ciara Jewel.

I started posting more content on instagram as a way to spread the word about what I was doing on my blog. It’s no secret that driving organic traffic to a new website is super tricky. The numbers would discourage me and I was just looking for anyway to get more eyes on my content. I then convinced myself that no one read blogs anymore. No one cared to actually go to my website and see all of the effort I put into designing it, reading through my entire website and blog posts, no. People want to engage with something that’s quick and to the point. Social media was changing so much and I just could not keep up. So instead, I changed in order to try and fit into a mold. A mold that I knew the world could accept, but what about what I could accept about myself?

I started to pivot into focusing on other things like starting an actual business. And you see that was my problem, I didn’t see my blogging as a business. I didn’t see the value in what I truly wanted to create. I didn’t. Now, I am definitely multiverse and very talented. I won’t downplay the many skills that I’ve acquired and that came naturally to me but they didn’t fill ME. They filled a void. We’ll come back to that though.

I moved on from focusing on my writing to focusing on starting a graphic design business, I then moved onto selling eyelashes and jewelry and I would document my journey through both of those via my YouTube channel. This didn’t last very long of course. I was in love with the hustle and I don’t knock anyone’s passions at all. But to be real selling eyelashes and graphic designing just did not fill me up. If anything that whole process of having a product based business like that just made me more anxious. I mean, because, when you’re starting a business like that, it’s just a different ball game.

I always knew deep down, that I couldn’t see myself doing what I was doing long term. I can’t recall exactly how I found my way back to blogging but I did. I just remember feeling so out of touch with myself and deprived. I didn’t feel like I was being true to myself. So eventually I found my way back to writing and I started another blog named Zola by Ciara Jewel. On Gems by Ciara Jewel, most of my blog posts were like free writes but on Zola I wanted it to be a little bit more intentional.

This time around I went harder with trying to drive traffic to Zola. I stopped focusing on Instagram and started focusing more on Pinterest. I was producing and batch planning so much content and posting consistently to my blog. I remember sitting at a WeWork, feeling like a machine as I multi-tasked batching content and arguing with my boyfriend at the time. We’ll talk about how men just leech all your energy in another post.

At that point, it was quantity over quality and I just could not keep up. What was I even trying to keep up with in the first place?

It felt like everything was just coming down. Another passion project of mine felt like it was failing, I was struggling in my first significant relationship, oh yes and the pandemic; this damn pandemic. Because yes, we are still in one. But I digress. I grew to be so deeply depressed. This resulted in me cutting off my hair and deciding to move to North Carolina.

So I moved 2 days later.

Fast forward to now, I’ve been living in Charlotte, North Carolina for almost 3 years now. I knew I’d have some challenges but I could’ve never predicted some of the things that have happened. I have lost so much but I’ve also loved hard and learned a whole lot more. These past few years have been so transitional and essential. I have grown in ways that I never thought that I could. I am so proud of who I am becoming.

Writing is the only thing that has always made perfect sense to me. Throughout a majority of my journey I never really stopped writing I just stopped sharing. I’ve stopped and started over so many times. Eyelashes, jewelry, graphic design, candles, YouTube, photography. Starting over gets scarier and scarier every time because I wonder is this what I’m supposed to be doing? How will I know for sure?

I do know that I’m an all around creative who wholeheartedly believes there is something so important and special about direct communication and expression through words. Words are similar to photos and tv shows in the way that they capture emotion. It’s finite.

I have so many things to write about and share like short stories, poetry, and thought provoking prose. I have a soft spot for everything that has to do with black girlhood and the experiences that develop US into wild and complex women.

If this sounds like your vibe, I plan to post once a week, and I hope that you’ll subscribe!

-ciarajd